Before you delete this, thinking it doesn’t apply to you if you’re married, keep reading. Even if you’re married, you most likely know someone who is single – a child, a friend, a grandchild, a coworker.
Because I’m single, I often get asked questions about finding contentment in singleness. To be honest, when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, I was not excited to be single. I prayed fervently for God to bring a husband into my life. After all, the “normal” in life is to graduate from college, get married, and begin a family. Right?
I kept waiting… and waiting… and waiting. No husband. I was initially disappointed with God, but over time, He began to change my heart. I wouldn’t have chosen singleness for my life, but I wouldn’t change anything today. I can honestly say, as a single, it is possible to be single and content.
How? I can’t give you a formula, but I can share some tips that have helped me find contentment as a single.
1. Have an intimate relationship with the Lord.
He knows us inside and out, better than any person can. The more we know God, the more we know His love for us. If marriage is His best for us, we know He won’t withhold it.
2. Have quality relationships with others.
We need people in our lives. God intended for us to live in community with one another.
3. Look to the Lord to meet your needs.
We all have needs – the need to feel secure, to feel loved, to belong to someone. But we have to be careful about expecting people to completely meet those needs. A misconception about marriage is that once we get married, we’ll be satisfied and fulfilled. We’ll never be lonely again. Our spouse will meet all our needs.
But I can tell you as I have counseled married women over the years, they still have unmet needs and face disappointments in their marriage. Married women still feel lonely at times. Their husbands don’t and can’t meet all their needs, and a wife can’t meet all her husband’s needs. The Lord alone can bring complete fulfillment and satisfaction in life. If we’re looking to a person to meet all our needs and satisfy us, we will be disappointed.
If we’re not looking to God to meet our needs as a single, we’re probably not going to look to Him to meet those needs when we’re married.
4. Refuse to settle for less than God’s best for you.
Seek the Lord, not a mate. Let Him choose a mate for you, in His timing, if that’s His plan for you. Don’t settle for less than God’s best by rushing into marriage with someone you know is not God’s best for you. That brings deeper heartache than singleness. The “desperate-for-marriage” single lets panic guide them to a partner instead of waiting on God’s choice.
5. Refuse to believe the lies of Satan. Lies like:
- “I’m missing out on the best of life by being single.” Singleness is a gift from the Lord, just as marriage is. Don’t live in a holding pattern, waiting to get married before you make any big decisions in life. God has you single in this season for a reason. Embrace the best of life whether you’re single or married.
- “There must be something wrong with me.” Let’s be honest, all of us have issues. None of us are perfect. If that was a requirement for marriage, no one would be married.
- “I must not be good enough.” Or, “I’ve done something wrong and this is my punishment.” God doesn’t work like that.
God never promised us a spouse, but He does promise us an abundant life in Him (John 10:10) – single or married. We can, like Paul, learn to be content in whatever circumstances God places us.
Well said, Crickett! Most of these things are true for us married ladies as well. Contentment is learned whether you are single or married. Love you, friend!!!
So true, Lou! Thanks for sharing!
Your timing could not have been better.I will share this with my daughter.
Vickie, I’m praying. I know she has struggled with this. Love you both!
I think your tips apply to both the single and married. They’re wise and I appreciate your transparency, Crickett.
Thanks, Cathy! I’ve learned true contentment comes only from the Lord. And I wouldn’t want something that’s not in His plan for me. Thanks for sharing!
You are so right, Crickett. My husband traveled Mon-Fri each week for several years. All the points you made carried ne rhrough those lonely times.
Thanks, Sherry, for sharing! That must have been hard to have your husband traveling through the week. But, God sustains us. Thanks again for sharing.
Not a woman, haha.
Still, I’m currently single at 30, so I’ve read and heard plenty of cliché messages about how I have to find “contentment” in my current situation. And, like you, I’m not “excited” about being single, either, haha.
However, the Bible doesn’t really tell singles to be content with their situation. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul talks about people who “burn with passion.” He doesn’t tell them that they have to be “more content.” He urges them to get married. He says that if you’re NOT content with being single, then maybe you should get married.
Sure, Paul recommends staying single. OK. Paul also said that it was OK to get married. Paul also said that it was just his own opinion that singleness is better. Paul also said that you’re not sinning by marrying. Besides, when Paul wrote that, he was writing to a church that was experiencing lots of worldly distresses. It makes sense for him to caution people against marrying in an atmosphere like that. But even he includes some qualifiers. I mean, even Jesus said that celibacy isn’t for everyone.
I mean, yes, I know a spouse won’t “meet all my needs.” But they do play a role. For example, f you’re a Christian single and dealing with sexual desires, it’s frustrating, because you have no legitimate outlet for fulfilling those. If you’re a Christian married couple, you DO have one. And yes, I know this can be complicated and requires compromise and humility, but at least you have a starting point. When you’re married, you have the means to fulfill those desires. When you’re single, you have nothing. It’s a simple and frustrating as that. Paul seems to understand this in 1 Corinthians 7.
And yes, we shouldn’t expect people to COMPLETELY fulfill us. But, in a sense, in part, they do. Some of the simplest, most basic ways we connect as humans is through physical touch and a literal, audible conversation. Can God or Jesus currently connect with us that way? Apparently not. Human connection and relationships do play a role.
Interestingly enough, a lot of research (almost all secular) indicates that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Well, then!
Yes, marriage has its challenges. But there’s enjoyable and good things about marriage, too. Enjoyable and good things that, if you’re single, you simply miss out on. That’s certainly hard, and should be acknowledged.
“Seek the Lord, not a mate. Let Him choose a mate for you, in His timing, if that’s His plan for you.” I’m not sure how much God really involves Himself in these things. I also doubt that he chooses specific people as our mates. It seems like marriage is something we choose (see 1 Corinthians 7:39, for instance) You can seek the Lord and seek a mate at the same time.
And if you’re single, you hear people pontificate to you about “contentment” all the time. In Philippians 4:12, when Paul reminds us to be content in whatever state we’re in, he’s referring to our ultimate contentment in God. There’s no requirement to force ourselves to be happy about every situation. Having and expressing the desire doesn’t make you weak. Admitting and expressing frustration and loneliness doesn’t make you weak.
A lot of times, singles will feel lonely in their situation. That’s fine. We can’t help that. But we can also feel guilty for being lonely because as Christians we have things to be thankful for and we’re often presented with the message that all the good Christians must be “content.” We’re also sometimes told that we have to be “content” before God will bless us with romantic love. This is a popular idea in modern church culture, but we’re not required to be completely satisfied with life, whether we’re married or single. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. We don’t have to repress our emotions or pretend that these situations make us happy. Nor do we have to pretend that these desires are unimportant to us. It’s OK to feel and express sadness and loneliness. We’re not going to disappoint God for feeling emotions that we can’t control anyway.
Ideas like this imply that your “season” of singleness will end once we learn to properly exercise contentment. Apparently all the married couples somehow mastered this, and reached some pinnacle of contentment that God approved of and rewarded accordingly. As if we can use a formula and reverse psychology to convince God to give us the thing we want. Sometimes married couples will tell you that their story went like this, that God “blessed” them with a spouse once they stopped “idolizing” marriage, or once they “stopped looking.” Or once they “learned to be content.” Cool story. As if that’s some sort of universal rule. The Bible doesn’t mention this weird idea anywhere.
If you want love/marriage/sex badly, well, you can’t make yourself “stop” wanting those things. What a strange idea. You’re not being “worldly” or sinful just by expressing desires for things like these. If Christians were able to repress or ignore these desires, why would any Christian ever marry?